


What Doesn't Kill Us

by adellagar



Category: Life Is Strange 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21744001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adellagar/pseuds/adellagar
Summary: The story takes place not long after the conclusion of the main story after the Redemption ending. Sean struggles to accomodate to the world around him and Finn tries his best to help.
Relationships: Sean Diaz/Finn
Comments: 34
Kudos: 157





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok first, English isn't my first language so be wary of some strange pharsing down the line. Second, I write very rarely these days so my skill is definetely not at it's sharpest. And finally, this fic is self-indulgent, meaning I wrote it to unload my massive angsty feels after seeing the endings. Please enjoy at let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always appreciated.

Smoking at gas stations is always a bad idea. That was what Finn was taught and that was the exact thought that crossed his mind when he lit a cigarette, staring right at the freshly painted “no smoking” sign. Finn never gave too many shits about rules.

His car was parked near the exit route from the station, away from everything that could potentially blow up. Yet, someone felt really keen on decorating this place with signs with crossed cigarette as if they were Christmas decorations. Finn shrugged and sucked in the smoke, his gaze wandering along the highway.

A really old looking car pulled into the lot, stopping near the bright red fuel tank. Somehow Finn thought about how ridiculous this piece of metal looks among shiny new cars he saw passing by him for the past ten minutes. Still, a small smile tugged his lips: someone is as into retro as he is, His own car was to be considered junk by more sophisticated car nerds but he didn’t care. It did its job and for that Finn was grateful.

A tall man stepped out of the old car. Bearded, short haircut, lovingly knit sweater - apt for the slightly chilly weather of late September. The guy was no older than Finn himself yet somehow had a feeling of an entire life past his shoulders. An eerie feeling, Finn noticed. The guy started walking towards the little minimart to pay for his gas and, when he came close enough, Finn noticed that his left eye is completely white. Wall-eye, thought Finn, and smiled. He knew a one-eyed fella once. A long time ago.

Their eyes met and Finn smiled at a newcomer, saluting him with his cigarette. The man frowned and changed direction. Now he was walking toward Finn.

“Hey man, it’s a gas station. Mind extinguishing that thing?” he said.

Finn didn’t reply. The moment the stranger came close enough to make out features, his heart sank. This face - more weather-beaten, more tiny wrinkles around sunken eyes, but it was a familiar face. The voice - harsher, deeper - was familiar.

“Sean Diaz?” Finn whispered in awe. “Is that you?”

Judging by the man’s flabbergasted expression, he recognized him as well.

“Finn?”

It took them a second of pure shock before they embraced each other so tightly that both of them grunted.

“Holy fuck man! How long?” Finn’s face started hurting from the widest grin but he didn’t care. He stared at Sean’s face and realized he has a hard time breathing.

“Too long.” Sean said quietly and smiled. His eye was moist and reddish, as if he was about to burst into tears. “Fuck, I can’t believe it’s you.”

“That makes two of us.” Finn dropped the cigarette and stepped on it. “Where were you going anyway?”

“Mind if we go inside first? Don’t feel like standing in the wind. Plus, I’ve a few gallons to pay for.”

Finn chuckled.

“Sure thing, sweetheart.”

The minimart was empty - not counting a very bored-looking cashier tucked behind the counter. They waved at the greeting Sean threw in as a courtesy, making it obvious that should this place be crushed by a meteor, they wouldn’t give a damn. Finn poured himself a cup of cheap coffee from a beaten-up machine and sat on the opposite side of the table Sean took after paying for gas. The coffee was terrible, making Finn cringe at the first sip.

“Must you drink this piss?” Sean asked.

“Hey man, I need my fine arabica to stay online. Even if it tastes worse than balls. I’ve a road ahead of me.” Finn retorted and took another sip. Cringing, he set the cup aside. “Okay, maybe you are right.”

Sean didn’t reply. Finn noticed that he looks uncomfortable.

“All cool?”

“Yeah, I just…” Sean closed his eyes and took a breath. “It’s just… so strange. I feel like I’m in a totally new world, yet the people are the same. Different, but…”

“I get you, man,” Finn said and outstretched his arm to reassuringly grip Sean’s shoulder. “Fifteen years, it’s… A fucking long time. I can only imagine how it feels. You know I’ve been in jail myself so I can see how it might feel weird but never for that long. I…” He paused, noticing the pain on Sean’s face. “I’m not helping, am I?”

“It doesn’t even feel like you’re real, Finn.”

“Oh ho ho, dear, I’m definitely real. Trust me.” Finn smiled gently, letting go of Sean’s shoulder. “Hey, listen. I get it if you’re on an important mission to make an express delivery to Wyoming or something, but what if I invited you to my man-lair? For as long as you wanna. I just… really fucking missed you, Sean.”

His heart warmed when he saw Sean’s face lighting up.

“I’d love to.”

And then it was settled. Finn couldn’t help but feel a pinch of youthful glee. Sean looked happier too, although his posture was still tense and his eye was darting from corner to corner, as if he were looking for an escape. Finn sighed contently, trying to ignore the slight feeling of unease hanging in the air, and finished his coffee. Sean actually cracked up when Finn stuck out his tongue, trying to get rid of the strong aftertaste of crap mercilessly stuck in his mouth. Snorting and spitting, he finally managed to utter a verdict:

“This coffee is shit.”

Sean sniffed loudly, stifling a laugh.

“Noted.”

******

“So, where were you going exactly?” Finn spoke into the small walkie-talkie as he was driving along the highway. After a ding, Sean’s voice flew out of the dynamic.

“Colorado. Wanted to see the Grand Canyon.”

“Oh? Alone?”

“What do you mean?”

“Err…” For a moment Finn felt how awkwardness is creeping up his spine and asked himself why can’t he just shut up sometimes. Then he decided to say it anyway. “Figured you’d bring Daniel.”

A long pause hung in the air with Finn cursing in his head. Then, Sean replied.

“He has his own life. Doesn’t need me to drag his ass across the States again.”

“Have you even tried to offer?”

Another long pause.

“No.”

Finn turned his head for a moment, looking at Sean’s car riding right past his own. The sun conveniently obscured the view through the front window. God damn it.

“Watch the road, Finn,” Sean spoke through the walkie.

“Fine, dad!” Finn replied, slightly annoyed, concentrating on an empty road ahead of them.

A few minutes in silence flew past with the miles. Finn was thinking - hard. Trying to chew a piece of dry skin off his lower lip, he couldn’t help but feel anxious. Sean was clearly still very detached from the life outside of prison. Hell, even the sun must feel weird for him, not being sliced into stripes by bars and all.

Finn did write to him as often as he could. He wasn’t sure about the percentage of his correspondence actually reaching Sean so he also often called Daniel. He and the younger Diaz talked for hours upon hours and remained great friends. Sometimes Finn even visited them in Beaver Creek, often joined by Cassidy and Jacob. And while Daniel had plenty to share on his own - his life was practically bubbling with events, it was almost hard to believe, - Finn never passed a chance to ask him to say hi to Sean. Daniel’s face would always get serious and a bit sad after that request.

So one thing Sean was right about: Daniel does have his own life now. But never did he forget about his brother, who gave him that life. And neither did Finn.

His heart felt heavy and he couldn’t tell why.

“So where are we going, exactly?” Sean’s voice interrupted his musings. Right, Finn thought, changing the subject is always the best way to avoid the undesired topic.

“Oh, just a little den of mine. In the countryside, about an hour down the highway then some through the dirt. You’ll love it.”

“You live alone?”

“Yep! Have been for maybe three years or so.”

“No friends to crash the place?”

“Not often. Cassidy and Jake keep in touch, we are still friends. Texts, calls, love letters in fancy envelopes, all that shit. Some other people keep me company too, but you don’t know them.”

“I see.”

Sean’s last remark was dry, as if he’d taken offence.

“I appreciate that you didn’t forget about me,” Sean said after a brief pause.

“How could I, sweetie,” Finn replied warmly and chuckled. “Missed ya every day.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nah. Did you receive any of my letters by any chance? I did write quite a lot of them.”

“Some.” Sean’s tone turned downright somber. “I’m sorry I never replied. They wouldn’t let it past the security for some reason.”

“It’s fine darling, no harm done. Daniel kept me posted.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For giving a shit.”

Finn smiled widely and felt a pinch in his eyes. Quickly sobbing up the upcoming tears, he said:

“You’re welcome.”

******

The small house welcomed the two men with a strong smell of dust. Finn nonchalantly threw his traveling bag onto the sofa, setting off a small cloud of dust, and waltzed into the kitchen, dusting off the counters and eventually stopped to rummage through the fridge. Sean was still standing near the door, maintaining a rigid, nervous pose. It was obvious that he felt a stranger.

“How long haven’t you been home?” Sean broke the pause.

“Ehh… about two months, give or take. Went to visit someone and then the road just called to me.”

He stood up from the fridge, holding two cans of soda: a brand Sean didn’t recognize.

“Thirsty?” Finn asked, throwing him one can. Sean failed to catch it and the can fell onto the floor with a sad clank. “Oops.”

“Dude, don’t throw shit at me. I can’t catch a cannonball,” Sean said grumply.

“Right, sorry. Pirate life,” Finn responded, pointing at his eye. Sean only groaned. “We’re out of groceries by the way. Might have to order pizza or something.” Finn continued, not noticing his companion’s annoyance.

Sean awkwardly picked up the can and remained still, not taking a step further, which seemed to amuse Finn a bit.

“You’re sleeping on my porch then, I take it? I bet it likes you just as much.”

“Huh? Oh shit, sorry!” Sean exclaimed and hastily removed his boots and sweater… and then stood even more awkwardly, searching for a place to put them. Finn couldn’t help but giggle.

“Jeez Sean, you look so much like a stray puppy, I swear it takes all my strength not to start scratching behind your ear. Just drop your stuff.... there.” he said and gestured towards a small cupboard near the entrance to the living room.

Sean smiled and even blushed slightly - or at least Finn thought so. What an absolute sweetheart that man is, he thought.

Sean stationed himself on the sofa, still holding a can of soda while Finn danced around the house with a duster, cursing under his breath. Sean’s gaze wandered around the living room, noticing small details not entirely covered by dust and random trash - “the painful reality of a bachelor’s life”, as Finn called it. He noticed a bunch of framed pictures hanging on the wall: an uncannily homey element in this chaotic place of a man forever stuck in his early twenties. Sean got up and stepped closer to get a better look.

Most of the pictures were depicting Finn - always smiling - surrounded by some seriously breathtaking scenery. “Still handsome”, Sean noted, and that thought caused the corners of his lips to crawl a bit up. One picture in particular caught his attention.

Finn, an unfamiliar woman in his embrace, and a child not older than three years old hugging Finn’s leg. Sean’s blood ran cold. Finn too had his own life. He had a family. It took him a moment to find what he was afraid to find. Simple golden bands wrapped around Finn and woman’s left ring fingers. They were married.

Sean returned to the sofa, trying to control the merciless pounding in his head. His heart was hammering against his chest and the feeling of bitter sadness spilled in his gut. He suddenly felt so out of place, so absolutely unwelcome that his first thought was to grab his stuff and run.

“Phew. Figured all the dust in the state decided to crash my place when I was away,” Finn exhaled, dropping next to Sean onto the sofa. “Why so serious, sweetheart?”

Sean gripped the can tighter and took a deep breath.

“You didn’t mention you are married.”

“Ah, you must’ve saw the pics with the gals. Yep, I was married. Even have a kid. Didn’t work out though, so I’m a perfect weekend dad now, nice to meetcha.” Finn spoke about it like it was nothing. Sean, on the other hand, felt progressively more uncomfortable.

“You didn’t write about it. Daniel never mentioned it either.”

“Of course he didn’t, how would he know?” Finn sounded totally calm. “Me and Yvette were… well, not a secret. I just didn’t feel like telling people. And it’s in the past now. We’re on good terms. It just didn’t work out.”

“Where are they now?”

“Los Angeles.”

Sean fell silent, finally cracking the can open and taking a sip. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling. A slight sense of betrayal was among the buzzing cloud filling his head.

“I ordered pizza by the way. Hope you don’t mind pepperoni. Will be here in an hour or so, trusting the driver won’t get lost in this fucking wilderness, that is. Again.”

“Who ever minds pepperoni?” Sean asked, snorting with amusement.

“I dunno man. Vegans?”

“Good point.”

Well, at least Finn was still good at easing the mood. The tingle of anxiety was put to rest for the moment and for that, Sean was grateful.

******

They were laying on a sofa together, legs intertwined, heads on opposite armrests, watching a movie. The pizza box was on the floor, half empty: Sean swallowed three pieces all by himself, earning a joke from Finn. He didn’t realise how hungry he was until now.

The movie was not among what Sean had seen before prison, although Finn claimed it to be fairly old.

“Didn’t know you like sappy love stories, Finn,” Sean said dryly.

“What can I say, sweetie, I’m an old sap. I’d probably write love letters if I could put two words together on paper.”

“That letter you sent me to Away was pretty sweet.”

“You remember?” Finn raised his head to meet Sean’s eyes. “Huh. Damn. Can’t believe it slipped my mind. Well then, you’ll be the first to know if I start writing them. Might even dedicate it to you.”

Finn winked at Sean, causing him to turn away and stuff another slice into his mouth.

“What’s the matter darling, coming on too strongly?”

Sean didn’t reply and didn’t avert his gaze from the screen where the main characters were making out. Finn rolled his eyes.

“Oh I see! You prefer Tom Holland.”

“What?”

“The lead actor in this bullshit? Come on.”

“Shut up or I’ll kick you, Finn!”

Finn laughed and gently poked Sean’s side with his foot. The other man grunted and poked him back. Hard.

“Ouch man, you’ll bruise me!” Finn exclaimed with utter indignation but didn’t drop his wide smile.

Sean chuckled, a mischievous spark in his eye, then pounced at Finn, throwing a hurricane of tickles at him. Finn screamed on top of his lungs like some kind of mad bird and started laughing uncontrollably while trying to fight Sean off.

“OH MY GOD STOP HA HA HA NO!!!” Finn yelled as Sean’s fingers violated his personal space in such juvenile fashion. “SEAN I HATE YOU STOP!”

“Vengeance, Finnegan McNamara! Face it! Feel my righteous wrath!” Sean was laughing too, looming over Finn like a terrifying tickle monster.

“MERCY! I BEG FOR MERCY!” Finn pleaded through roars of laughter, wiggling away from Sean’s touch and towards the edge of the sofa. “Aaagh! Ouch!” He exclaimed, falling from under Sean right onto the floor and kicking the pizza box away. Rubbing his head in dramatic fashion, he raised his head to meet Sean’s eyes and was struck for a second. Sean’s relaxed, reddish from laughter, genuinely happy face awed him. The gleam in his eye, the feeling of pure sincerity radiating from him and his messy hair ruffled from the fight made Finn think he just witnessed the most beautiful man in his life.

“You okay?” Sean asked, reaching his hand to Finn.

“I was assaulted! What do you think?” Finn replied, grabbing his hand and returning onto the sofa.

“I think you’re gonna be fine,” Sean concluded with a nod.

Finn resumed his comfy pose, sticking his feet behind Sean’s back, and felt content when Sean intertwined his legs with his again. 

“You know, it feels good to see you like this. Smiling, laughing, being adorable. Letting your hair down and all. Seems like behind this grumpy exterior you’re the same cute dork, huh?” Finn said affectionately. “Though it might’ve slipped your mind that I’m terribly ticklish. Thus, you made me suffer.”

“Oh, quite the opposite actually. I did that on purpose.” Sean’s smile was relaxed and as content as it could be. “I’m not cute.”

“Sure, I’m just hallucinating.” Finn retorted.

“Might cut down on the weed then. Clearly messing with your head,” Sean returned the jab, grinning.

“Ouch. You’re hurting my poor junkie feelings, sir.”

Sean didn’t reply but sighed, returning his attention to the movie. After a moment of quiet consideration, Finn did the same. The next hour was serene.

******

“You fine with sleeping on the sofa, my good man?” Finn asked, standing in a doorway from what Sean presumed to be his bedroom, holding a pair of pillows and a blanket. “I mean, I don’t mind sharing the bed if you wanna.”

“No thanks,” Sean rocked his head in refusal. “I am used to sleeping alone.”

“Noted.” Finn dropped the items to the floor, missing an inch that would knock the poor pizza box off the TV table. “Now, if you could just let me…” He gestured for Sean to get up, and when he did, crouched and pulled the seat. A clack, a creak and a grunt, and a moment later an ordinary sofa was transformed into an even so ordinary bed. “Viola!” Finn threw his hand in the air, clearly proud of himself.

“Thanks, Finn,” Sean said with a smile. “I can make the bed on my own.”

“Sure thing, sweetie,” Finn replied and winked. “Are you sure that you can handle the duvet cover? She’s a real bitch. Might devour you whole.”

“Oh, ha ha.” Sean rolled his eye and in four quick motions pulled the blanket into the cover, jerking it’s corners outwards. A perfectly covered blanket landed onto the makeshift bed in the next second. Sean looked at Finn, who looked mockingly impressed, and snorted. “How do you like that, boy?”

“I like it very much, grandpa. You’re a real duvet cover slayer.”

“Ouch. Is this because of the beard?”

“Hell yes! You need to shave.”

“Not in a million years,” Sean growled under his nose and finished making the bed.

Finn approached and placed an opened bottle of water near the sofa. Meeting Sean’s questioning gaze, he smirked.

“In case you’re thirsty.”

“Your hospitality is astonishing,” Sean said a bit more sarcastically than he wanted to.

“I try, darling.” Finn batted his eyelashes in an exaggerated fashion then turned away to leave for the night. Before closing the door, he addressed Sean one last time:

“We’re gonna get groceries tomorrow. Don’t be shy to intrude if you need anything.”

“Okay,” Sean whispered to a swiftly closed door.

He got down to the bed, assuming a perfectly still position on his back: the one he got used to after sleeping in a prison bunk for fifteen years. He felt uncomfortable because of the sheer softness of the mattress, thickness of a warm blanket and total absence of steps in the vicinity. Uncertain of what to do with himself, Sean reached to the bottle Finn left for him and took a sip. The water was warm and bland yet it did calm him down a bit. Then, Sean reached for his phone.

The model was newer than the one he threw away all those years ago, bigger and fancier. Daniel’s gift. Sean traced the edge of the screen and felt a creep of dread on his neck. This object, this phone felt so alien, like pretty much everything else in his surroundings. Suddenly, Sean felt alone. 

Taking a deep breath, he booted up the phone. After a flare of a logo, the screen blinded him with a bright picture of the homescreen: a selfie, him and Daniel, smiling. Unconsciously, Sean smiled back. His brother did grow up a fine young man.

It took the phone a second before starting spitting out various notifications, most of them were news and Facebook messages. Sean opened his Facebook, noting to himself how weird it must look for him to still use the same page he had before. He did purge it from all the strangers’ “messages” left throughout the years, though.

A message from Lyla asking what’s up. God bless this woman, Sean thought. Acts like nothing ever happened.

_ “Nothing much, crashing friend’s place for a few days. You?”  _ He typed.

It took her a literal split second to reply, as if she was waiting for him.

_ “Look who didn’t run away for Mexico this time, ha ha! Weren’t you going to Grand Canyon?” _

_ “Yes, well, plans have changed and I decided to ghost you for fifteen more years.” _

_ “Oh no you didn’t! Who are you staying with anyway?” _

_ “Finn McNamara. Doubt you know him.” _

_ “I do. Met him a few times. He’s nice.” _

_ “You do?” _

_ “Yeah. He visited Daniel quite often.” _

_ “Right. You visited Daniel too.” _

_ “How could I forget my favorite Diaz! Even if he was in Oregon.” _

_ “I’m shocked he didn’t end up marrying you after all.” _

_ “Oh I know, fate is so cruel! But he and Chris seem happy so I’m not too jealous.” _

Sean froze, uncertain of what to say. Somehow the mention of Daniel’s husband made him uneasy. He put down his phone for a second, rubbed his eyes and winced when his left index finger met the glass. The prosthetic was relatively new - another gift from Daniel’s. 

Daniel. Married. Not a boy anymore. A man.

Sean sighed in exasperation and typed Lyla a quick goodbye, then opened his and Daniel’s message history. Their last exchange was from two days ago, discussing some stupid videogame Daniel got him to play the last time they saw each other. “I’ll keep your save file if you ever decide to continue,” was his last message.

Sean turned the phone off and turned his gaze towards the ceiling, battling a weird mixture of gratitude, sadness and loneliness churning in his stomach. A choking feeling grasped his throat as a single tear trailed town his face. Sean couldn’t tell why he felt like this.

Eventually he succumbed to a restless sleep full of anxious dreams.

_ “Sean Diaz! It’s over! Step out of the car!” _

_ The voice of agent Flores, strengthened by a megaphone, rumbled like thunder. Sean gripped the wheel so hard his knuckles turned white, and swallowed. His heart was beating somewhere it wasn’t supposed to, his entire body trembled to that rhythm. Daniel jerked his hand to the side, asking tearfully of what now. Sean didn’t know. He didn’t know anything. He felt like he sprouted roots, binding him forever to the seat of the car. He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even cry. His entire being was filled by one impossibly cold and gutting thought. _

_ “No.” _

_ The policemen were advancing, stretching their arms towards him. One of them reached through the nonexistent glass and grabbed Sean by the neck, the other pulled screaming and kicking Daniel out of the car. In that moment the car fell into pieces of misshapen metal, and Flores banged a judge’s gavel above his head, speaking a different, masculine voice. _

_ “...to be sentenced to high security incarceration for the duration of fifteen years…” _

_ All Sean could hear was Daniel screaming in terror. Loud, then louder, until everything was filled with this deafening scream. _

Sean shoot up, panting, tears streaming down his face. It took him a second to realise he is in bed and it’s not the Mexican border, and instead of a monstrous police officer he is being held by extremely worried-looking Finn.

“Oh thank God you’re awake. I heard you thrashing around and decided to shake you awake. You okay?” Finn spat his words like a machine gun, not letting go of Sean’s shaking shoulders.

“No,” Sean replied with breaking voice and reached to wipe the tears off his face.

“Bad dream?” 

“The worst dream.”

“Want tea?”

Finn’s voice was shaking a bit - it was obvious he got scared as well. Sean nodded without certainty and felt even worse when the warmth of Finn’s hands has left his skin. 

Finn trotted into the kitchen and soon the silence of the night was filled with the soothing sound of bubbling water and clanking of teacups. Finn poured two portions of steaming hot drink that smelled like milk and strawberries. Sean could have even appreciated the smell if he didn’t feel like being hit by a truck.

“Sorry, honey, I’m all out of sugar. It’s pretty good without it though. Drink up,” Finn said, handing Sean a cup on a small plate. Sean accepted it with another uncertain nod.

“What did you see?” Finn asked, landing carefully on the free space next to Sean’s legs.

Sean didn’t respond immediately, instead looking at the cup in his hands. Small cup chattered gently against the plate in his trembling hands. He inhaled through gritted teeth.

“My capture. Mexican border.”

“Oh shit.”

Sean took a sip. The tea was burning hot but delicious, and the discomfort from a burned tongue worked well as a distraction. Finn put his hand on Sean’s ankle, rubbing slightly, and this little gesture managed to calm him further.

“I know it sounds stupid but it was just a dream. It’s over. You’re safe,” Finn said.

“I know.”

“I’m here.”

“I know…”

Sean closed his eyes. The image of Daniel screaming was still vivid, the sound still ringing in his ears. He felt the mattress sinking beside him under a weight and a wave of warmth rushing over him. He opened his eyes and found Finn laying near him and looking at him with sad eyes.

Without a word Sean laid back and tried to relax. His heart was still hammering like crazy, he was sweating. The cup was placed on his belly and finally stopped chattering.

“Sean, I can stay with you tonight. Here,” Finn said. His voice was calm and soothing.

“I’m fine, I promise. You don’t have to.” Sean raised his head slightly to finish the tea. “I’ll be fine.”

“Eventually, yeah,” Finn didn’t sound convinced. “I just hate seeing you all jittery.”

“I’m not…” Sean said and sighed. Arguing felt pointless and his brain refused to work. He passed the cup to Finn who placed it on the floor next to his own, and put his head back down onto the pillow, drained.

“I care about you, Sean. And I worry. Let me help you, please.” The sincerity in Finn’s voice and expression was touching. Sean felt his frantic heartbeat slowing down.

“Okay. Just… don’t talk. Or kick. Or huddle the blanket.”

“Never.”

Sean closed his eyes again, feeling the exhaustion in his every cell. He moved his hand, searching for a more comfortable pose, when his fingers lightly bumped into Finn’s. Without a word he took Sean’s hand in tender grip, stroking his palm with a thumb. A smile twitched Sean’s lip as he was drifting back to sleep, soothed into serenity at last with this little touch. As he was almost asleep, a memory slipped into a thin line of awareness: the first time he kissed Finn. 

“What are you afraid of?” He asked.

“Nothing,” was the answer.

And the next moment, Sean fell into a blissful abyss of dreamless slumber.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to split Part 2 into two large pieces because the sheer amout of words is getting pretty crazy. As always, hope you enjoy and let me know what you think. Also big thank you to Ciara and Izzy, my proof-readers who make sure I don't embarrass myself with my awful grammar.

The road swiftly slithered beside them as Finn was driving down the highway. Sean leaned against the window, admiring the scenery. Whatever this place was, it looked especially beautiful in the fall. The ground covered in leaves so bright one could mistake it for actual gold; gentle, pleasantly cool wind rustling it, chasing it close to the ground as if the earth itself was slowly breathing. It was spectacular.

And nostalgic. Sean couldn’t help but think about his time on the road, the time when the only thing behind was danger, and the only thing ahead - uncertainty. Sean peeked at his own reflection in the side mirror and almost mournfully remarked to himself that he looks old. He was 32 - the number itself was terrifying - and looked even older, thanks to the noticeable wrinkle stuck forever between his eyebrows and piercing heaviness of the gaze of his remaining eye. The road - the journey - felt so distant, yet the memories were there, bright as ever. Sean sighed and scratched his jaw, messing up the beard a bit. He felt like his life remained there, in that torturous journey, and ended with a bang of a gavel. Could he even hope to begin again after that?

Finn certainly thought so. He was cheerful, humming to the tune on the radio, looking bright and ready for everything. This morning he shook Sean awake, already dressed and ready, and announced that it’s time to get groceries. It took Sean a good long minute to realise that their little late night tea session wasn’t just another dream. Neither was the fact that they spent the night lying side by side. Dressing up, he was thinking about how strange it felt, yet oddly pleasant, right even. They were close before, so why not? Still, the swirling burst of anxiety it gave him didn’t settle until much later.

They passed the big wooden sign too quickly for Sean to read the name of the town they were heading into. Luckily, Finn immediately rectified the issue.

“Welcome to Bend-Over-City! But please call her Bend. She thinks her first name is embarrassing.” Finn laughed, clearly pleased with his silly joke. “The biggest town around. This is where I go to remind myself I’m not a wild animal hiding in a trash pile in the middle of nowhere. Well… not for the most part.”

“Bend? That’s the name?” Sean was genuinely amused.

“Yup!” Finn responded excitedly.

“And we drove all the way here to get groceries?”

“If you wanted me to drive all the way to Portland you should’ve said so.” 

Sean chuckled.

“Fair point. So what do we need?”

“Food.” Finn said it with grim determination, as if what they really needed was to save mankind or something. 

Sean shook his head and smiled at him. How Finn made him feel at ease even when his worries plagued him relentlessly, Sean had no idea.

Soon after they stopped at the parking lot in front of a big mall and entered. Finn followed a path familiar only to him, not paying any attention to little shops and advertising stands surrounding them. Sean, however, was quite taken. For a moment he felt almost giddy, like a little kid.

“Watch your step, sweetie.” Finn chuckled, noticing his awed expression. “Don’t want you falling into a fountain or something.”

“I just…” Sean stuttered, embarrassment clear in his voice. “You know. Haven’t been in a mall for a time.”

“What, they didn’t have a fancy shopping centre in your prison?” Finn joked.

“No, they didn’t.”

“Something must’ve been wrong then. Have you tried petitioning?”

Sean cracked up and playfully shoved Finn in the shoulder. He replied with kind laughter, and like that they entered an enormous supermarket that greeted them with bright lights and the smell of freshly baked bread.

“Whoa. May I please stay here forever?” Sean said, his awed expression turning into an excited smile.

“You have my official blessing, darling!” Finn made a wide welcoming gesture. “Okay, adult mode on. We need…” He reached into his pocket and pulled an old, beat up looking phone and tapped the screen. “Like I said, food…”

As Finn was reading the list, Sean pulled a shopping cart next to him and was waiting patiently for him to finish. 

“...and that’s it! Well, unless you want something too.” Finn finished and swiftly shoved his phone back into his pocket like a knight would sheath a sword.

“I don’t think I need anything? Maybe I’ll think of something as we go.” Sean shrugged.

“Very well then. Onwards!” Finn proclaimed and marched in the direction to noodle stands. Snickering, Sean hurried after him.

A good half an hour had passed, and the cart was slowly filling up. From time to time, Sean threw in something like a bottle of sparkling water, or a bag of sweets he’d never seen before, though Finn had to repeat twice that he’ll pay for anything that’s not a pound of caviar. Eventually they found themselves near the massive fridge, stuffed full with frozen goodies of various kinds.

Finn was studying an ice cream pile while Sean was reading the list on Finn’s phone when someone bumped their cart into theirs.

“Oh, apologies, I didn’t mean to do it,” the stranger said with a noticeable accent.

“No worries sweetheart, I bet our cart can handle it.” Finn replied with a calm voice, turned his head to face the stranger and paused.

Before them stood a woman of striking features, tall and attractive - and familiar. Sean recognised her as well.

“Yvette?” Finn was surprised for just a second, then his mouth bent into a pleased smile. He and the woman casually embraced each other. “What a pleasant surprise!”

Indeed, the woman was Yvette, the one Sean saw on the picture. Finn’s ex-wife.

“Hi,” he uttered.

“Hello monsieur.” Yvette gave him a warm smile. “I take it you’re a friend of Finn’s?”

“Sorta.” Sean felt really awkward and didn’t quite know what to say.

“He is, Yvie, he’s just shy.” Finn pat Sean on the back. “This is Sean, the one I told you about.”

“The… oh! The one you couldn’t stop writing to! I am so glad to finally meet you.” Yvette’s smile became even wider. “Finn told me a lot about you. About the time you spent together in Humboldt county, how he missed you, how you were taken in for what you didn’t do…”

“Err… yeah, the feeling is mutual, miss…?” Sean looked for Finn for support but he dived into the fridge, digging insistently for frozen lasagna.

“Dupont. Or I guess McNamara works as well since I never changed it back. And your last name is…?”

“Diaz. I thought Finn told you.”

The way Yvette’s face changed from a smile into shock made Sean’s heart leap into the throat. The woman blinked slowly, her mouth went agape. Fuck, Sean thought, but it was too late.

“Sean, not Shaun? Sean Diaz, the one who murdered a police officer in Seattle sixteen years ago?” Yvette’s whispering sent a shoot of dread up Sean’s spine. “I should’ve guessed. I knew you looked oddly familiar. You’re him!”

All the light in the room concentrated around Yvette’s shocked face, all the sounds died out. Sean’s heart was beating like a mad bird against the bars of a cage, his head went heavy, his palms were sweating. He was terrified.

“I wrote a paper about you back in university. Your case was so mysterious.” Yvette’s words sounded distant, ethereal. 

Sean’s eye darted from one side to another, wet from upcoming tears. He needs to run, he thought. Now.

“Yo lovebirds, what’s up?” Finn approached them with three packs of lasagna in his hands.

These words sprang Sean into action and he rushed to the side like a wild horse, leaving Finn and Yvette gaping. He ran without looking, whipped on by panic, until he reached the parking lot. Running for another second, he finally stopped, took a breath, and burst into tears.

Yvette recognized him, and if she did, so will the others. People will see him only as a murderer, a criminal, and nothing else. They will shun him, hate him, tell their children what a horrible person he was. He will never find his place. Never. It was all for nothing.

Tears flowed down his face as he slid down the wall, slumping onto the ground like a sack of flour. He cried and cried, and the feeling of loneliness, and fear, and hurt panged him from the inside. He closed his face with his palms, hiding from the world that didn’t want him, and sobbed hard.

“Sean!” A familiar voice reached his ears and almost forced him to get up and run again. “Sean, where are you?”

“Monsieur Diaz, where are you? Please!” The second voice followed the first one.

Sean didn’t move, just pressed his palms tighter and hunched his back, hiding his face. It didn’t work, as a moment after Finn’s warm hands landed on his shoulders.

“There you are!” Finn sounded genuinely relieved. “You gave me a serious scare, man. You started off like you saw Satan or something.”

Sean didn’t reply and didn’t flinch, still hiding his face. Finn put his palm atop of his and gently rubbed the knuckles with the thumb.

“Hey. It’s alright.”

“Monsieur Diaz, I am so sorry!” Yvette sounded mortified, worried and scared. “I really didn’t mean to offend you, I didn’t know what I was thinking! Please, I ask for your forgiveness,” she said and crouched before Sean alongside Finn.

A moment passed, then another, before Sean finally removed his hands from his face and looked at Finn and Yvette with reddish eyes.

“Here’s my beautiful man!” Finn exclaimed with pride.

“Here I am.” Sean said and sniffed.

“What the hell even happened?”

“It’s my fault.” Yvette said sorrowfully. “I should’ve watched my mouth.”

“Nothing happened. I’m just an idiot.”

Sean extended an arm, prompting Finn to help him stand up, and dusted himself off.

“It’s just…” Sean took a deep breath, battling the urge to cry again. “I don’t know how to explain it. Something just… like, hit a tumbler inside me. I don’t know why.”

“The trauma you endured…” Yvette shook her head and raised her sad eyes to look at Sean. “It’s only natural for some things to seem different from what they really are. It must be hard.” She raised herself from the ground, took a step towards Sean and put a hand on his arm in a consoling gesture. “I am sorry.”

“I…” Sean stopped short. “I am not mad at you. You didn’t mean it, miss Dupont.”

As all three of them returned to the mall to continue shopping, Sean couldn’t shake off the bitter feeling. His heartbeat subsided only a bit.

Finn and Sean were sitting at a food court after loading three giant bags of groceries into the car and saying goodbye to Yvette, eating from a giant box stuffed full with fried chicken. Sean tried to focus on his food. Finn however was watching him with concern.

“You okay sweetheart?” He asked.

“Yeah I am. Kind of. Will be.”

“Care to tell me what really happened?”

“Do you really have to probe me like this?” Sean put his food aside and glared at Finn with fear disguised as annoyance.

“Not as I would like to probe you, no.” Finn said sarcastically, making Sean groan. “I’m just really worried for you,” he said more seriously.

“I know. Thank you.” Sean lowered his head. “I… don’t know exactly what happened. She went all “you’re THE Sean Diaz, ooh!”, and it made me feel terrified. Like she was the proof that people look at me and see a criminal. That I don’t belong.”

“Oh sweetie,” Finn sighed emphatically. “I know how you must feel, but it’s bullshit. You do belong. You have a brother who always has your back. You have your mother. You have Lyla. And you will fit back, it just takes time.”

“I’m not sure I believe you but the thought itself is comforting.” Sean sighed and swallowed hard. “It’s still feels weird that you’re so accepting of me.”

“It’s who I am, is it not?” Finn smiled as Sean raised his head back, and for a moment Sean thought that it was the most beautiful smile he ever saw. “By the way…”

Finn reached into his other pocket and after a quick rummage pulled out a fine leather-bound sketchbook. Putting it in front of utterly surprised Sean. he continued:

“Daniel showed me some of the Superwolf comic issues. I must say that it’ll be a real crime if you don’t publish it for a wider audience. You can be a real comic artist Sean! And that’s why yours truly gives you this awesome as fuck sketchbook for you to keep practicing, make new memories and make Stan Lee proud!”

“Oh wow, I… I’m not sure what to say, Finn.” Sean still looked surprised but the corners of his lips went just a bit up. “Thank you so much.”

“Oh and I almost forgot!” Finn went into his pocket again and passed Sean a bunch of new, shiny, yet-to-be-unpacked fine liners. “This is for you too.”

“Thanks!” Sean exclaimed and laughed a little, holding the gifts like they were made of pure gold. “Thanks, that means so much to me.”

“Glad to be of service.”

“When did you even get this? I thought we were together the whole time.”

“Oh, I’m just a regular time lord. You never see me coming. Just kidding, I got it when you went to take a piss.”

Sean cackled.

“Wow, you are a real master of table conversations.”

“Fucking A!” Finn slapped his leg for a dramatic effect. “Also! There’s a show happening in a week in a local club. One awesome new band is playing for youths of all kinds. There will be a dance floor, a bar, private booths, I can even get us tickets… Whaddaya say?”

“I mean, it sounds nice and all but why?”

“Why? You’re seriously asking me why?” Finn goggled at Sean as if he just confessed he dislikes pineapple on pizza. “Dude, you need to unwind! See people! Forever ruin your reputation by making yourself a clown on the dance floor! Come on, live a little!”

Sean took a thought for a moment, then nodded. Finn clapped his hands excitedly.

“Sean the daredevil is back, bitches! Now finish your chicken.”

******

Sean was sitting behind the counter at Finn’s kitchen with a mug of freshly brewed tea. Yesterday’s incident at the mall caused him another anxious dream and left him drained overall but he was quick to assure Finn he was fine. Now, Sean had his new sketchbook before him with a neat, but a bit rough pencil sketch of a new character for a story he had been mulling over for a while. Finn’s words about trying to become a comic artist touched his core, and for the first time since the prison Sean felt inspired. He took a sip from the mug, opened the liner and felt the joy of creating filling him. Soon he was focused solely on the drawing that was coming to life in it’s skilled, sure black lines.

Earlier he had a call with Lyla, whom he told of Finn’s idea and asked to look for a possible publisher. Lyla sprang into action immediately and not an hour later gave him five possible candidates. Overwhelmed, Sean asked Lyla to write them on his behalf with a promise to repay her with “a bottle of coffee liquor or something”. Lyla only laughed.

The drawing was almost done when Finn burst into the room holding a laptop. He dropped across a surprised Sean and swiftly turned the screen to face him.

“Say hi!” Finn exclaimed and the image on the screen turned into a messy blur of waving hands.

“Hi Sean!” The sound of two different voices emitted from the dynamics.

Sean blinked slowly, confused. It took him a good second before he realised that the two voices - and two unnervingly happy faces - belong to Daniel and Chris.

“Hi guys!” He said as the realisation seeped in, and smiled.

“You’re at Finn’s! What’s up, we thought you were going to Colorado?” Chris ran his words like a motor-mouth, clearly overjoyed by seeing his brother-in-law.

“I was but kinda bumped into him in the middle of nowhere and he invited me to stay.” Sean clarified. “For a time. Right?”

Finn circled the counter and leaned on it from Sean’s side.

“For as long as you want, darling.”

That statement made Daniel groan.

“Dude, give him a break, he’s been out for five seconds and you’re already flirting with him!”

“Well I gotta make the man feel welcome!” Finn spread his hands dramatically. “Do you mind, Sean?”

“Err… no?” Sean never was more uncertain of what to say. “I mean, it’s just how you roll, unless I remember it wrong.”

“Satisfied, mister Diaz?” Finn addressed Daniel, putting an arm around Sean’s shoulders. Sean felt his face heating up. “We’re best buds!” Finn concluded.

Chris chuckled, eyeing Daniel with great adoration.

“Some things must run in the family, don’t they, Danny?” He said.

“Things like dashing good looks, dramatic backstory, charming personality and superpowers? Yeah.” Daniel replied with a smirk. It was Sean’s turn to groan.

“You guys make my teeth ache.”

“That so? And how was I feeling when we were in Humboldt and you were tripping over your own tongue when Finn was around?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Daniel.”

“Yeah, Daniel, don’t be ridiculous!” Finn assented. “We’re just guys being bros. No homo.”

Chris snorted so hard after that statement that it made Daniel giggle. In that moment, Sean felt both embarrassed and giddy, so he decided to pretendly pout.

“Anyway.” Daniel waved his hand before his face as if trying to shoo away the snicker. “When will you be able to return? Will you make it before Halloween?”

“Well, I was thinking of going to Colorado anyway so we’ll see.”

“If you don’t, stay in contact. We wouldn’t want you to forget about us on your new exciting road warrior life.”

“I will.” Sean nodded. “Don’t doubt it.”

“Never do, big brother.” Daniel assured him. “You are always welcome, don’t you forget it.”

Sean smiled: that notion touched him deeper that he’d let on. Then, he remembered something.

“Hey Daniel, do you still have those scanned copies of Superwolf comics?”

“Yeah I do. Why?”

“Could you please send them my way? I have this idea…”

“Seanie here is becoming the new Stan Lee, fellas!” Finn said solemnly.

“O-oh, are you trying to become a real comic artist?” Chris got very excited. “Can I have a signed copy of your first issue? Please?”

“Of course.” Sean laughed. “What kind of question is that?”

“The most serious one!” Chris said firmly.

“Oh my gosh, you’re such a geek, Chris.” Daniel gave him a fond smile.

“Shut up!”

Finn shook his head in amusement and eyed Sean with encouragement as the two other men argued playfully on the other side of the screen. Sean nodded.

“Should I expect the scans by the end of the day?” He asked.

“My, so business-like!” Daniel clearly approved. “Sure thing, big boss.”

“Thanks.”

“Okay, we gotta go. Having a cookout with some friends. Mmm, grilled vegetables…” Daniel rubbed his belly and licked his lips in delight.

“Stop tempting us, man!” Finn laughed.

“Well he wouldn’t have had to if both of you were here!” Chris replied instead of Daniel who was too busy dreaming of the grill. “Bye! Don’t forget to call!”

And the screen went dark. Finn finally let Sean go - the latter didn’t realise that they were sitting like this for an entire session until the cold air mercilessly washed over his shoulders. Sean shrugged. Finn grabbed the laptop and took it to his room, then returned a moment later.

“So I ordered us tickets. We are going to see that show.” he informed Sean, dusting off his home pants. 

“What show?” Sean was still a bit air-headed after the call.

“Uh, hello? The one I talked about yesterday?”

“Oh, right! Sorry.” Sean eyed the artwork before him. “I was a bit busy.”

“Well I’m glad you’re at least doing something with yourself. Looking all lost and sad doesn’t do your handsome face justice, sweetheart.”

“Uh, thanks.” The compliment warmed Sean’s face again. “By the way, what do you do for life?”

“Oh, I actually went to university and got a degree in business. I sell stuff. Mostly carpets, It’s nothing big.”

“You’re so humble.” Sean leaned on his arm against the counter. “And charming.”

“Trying to beat me at my own game, mister Diaz?” Finn laughed. ‘Keep trying. We’ll see what will come out of it.”

And with that he was off to his bedroom.

Turning the page, Sean gazed upon the vast blankness of it and the pencil jumped into his hand again. He started writing a diary-like note he used to do all the time in his old sketchbook - and in regular notebooks when he was incarcerated. Daniel made sure he had plenty of paper, otherwise he’d be madder than a cuckoo after the first month.

_ “Finn gave me this sketchbook and asked to make new memories with it. Still charming. A bit older though. Missed him a lot…” _

_ “...gave me an idea to become a real comic artist. Might do it…” _

_ “Met his ex. Lost my shit in front of her. Fucking embarrassing!” _

_ “I need some serious help. At least Daniel still wants me around. So does Finn.” _

His phone beeped. Pulling it out, Sean saw the notification - a message from Daniel. The scans of the comics he was meant to send.

After some time of assembling the material and considering on what to write, Sean had successfully sent five emails to five different publishers and sighed. The wheel has made its first turn.

******

“Dude, you can’t go out in this!”

Sean was standing in the middle of the living room, holding his sweater, while Finn berated his choice of attire, half-naked himself.

“I don’t have anything else. Just this and a few plain tees for when I make it to the Canyon.” Sean said in an apologetic tone.

“This is bullshit!” Finn threw his arms in the air. “Didn’t you hear about the crazy rave parties they throw at the Canyon? Cool clothes are mandatory!”

“What?” Sean was genuinely confused.

“Nevermind, I’ll just…” Finn rubbed his nose bridge with two fingers and cringed. “I’ll figure it out. Besides, you’ve been here a week. This stuff needs some washing. Stat.”

“But what am I supposed to wear?”

“A smile?” Finn joked and chuckled, leaving Sean even more confused. “No, no, I’m joking, obviously!” He waved his hand as if he was literally brushing off the idea. “I’ll let you borrow some of mine. Might sit a bit tighter than you’re used too.”

Finn’s gaze slid along the lines of Sean’s frame, which really was a bit bigger than his. He scratched his chin, thinking.

“Right, I think I had something… somewhere. Hang on.”

Sean threw the sweater onto the sofa as Finn disappeared behind the door to his room. He was staying for more than a week already and noticed that the feeling of uneasiness visits him not as much as it did. Still, Finn was becoming a lot less subtle in his playful demeanor, and it stressed Sean out quite a bit. He didn’t really mind, but the curiosity of what it all means was eating away at him. 

Sean sat down and closed his eyes, listening to a quiet sound of his own heart. He didn’t forget what Finn meant to him all those years ago. Maybe it wasn’t really love, but something akin to it. Something comforting. Something warm. Something that used to send Sean’s mind straight into outer space. And now those strange, hard to describe feelings were returning, and it scared Sean. 

In his mind he made a note to talk to Finn about it - when his mind isn’t in a contemplative fever, that is.

“Okay, so here’s what I have.” Finn’s voice yanked Sean out of his musings rather unexpectedly. He opened his eyes and turned his head to face Finn, who was holding a tank top with some obscure print and a pretty weather-beaten but still cool looking leather jacket. “What do you think?”

“Am I supposed to be wearing this?”

“Well unless you’re completely set in your Boring Suburban Dad style.”

Sean cracked up.

“Look at yourself and shut up.”

“Hey, I look way cooler than you!” As a mean to add his words some weight. Finn motioned his head as if he was a beach model sporting a mane of Rapunzel-long hair. “Come on, it’ll suit you! Try it on!”

He passed the items to Sean and was off to start the washing machine. Sean looked at the top, then at the jacket, shrugged and decided that it surely won’t make things any worse.

After a ride down a familiar path, they reached the small-looking building somewhere in Bend and faced an impressive looking line. Sean, who ended up wearing what Finn gave him, felt a creep of nervousness - the perspective of spending so much time on a crowd spooked him a bit. Finn, on the other hand, looked as calm as a pond. He was wearing similar clothes, only instead of a jacket he was protected from September’s chill by a bomber. His dreadlocks were styled on the top of his head, exposing shaved sides and nape, which made him look younger. 

“So… are we waiting?” Sean asked with uncertainty.

“In the line? Nah.”

Finn grabbed Sean by the hand and pulled him in a direction known only to him, and soon they were in front of a secluded entrance boasting an impressive sign “VIP only”.

“You’re VIP?” Sean’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Well as much as one can be a VIP here, I am!” Finn clearly looked proud. “I know the owner. And all the DJs. And I once helped to fund a performance here. Oh, and an old friend of mine is in tonight’s show.”   
“Wow Finn, you really are…” Sean paused, noticing a heavy sight of an intimidating-looking bouncer.

“Finn, who’s your friend?” Their voice was surprisingly friendly.

“Heya, Tilly.” Finn waved at the bouncer. “That’s Sean, and you assumed correctly that he’s with me.”

Tilly eyed Sean thoroughly, then smiled a duty smile and welcomed both inside. After the door has shut behind them, Sean realised he has a breath to let out.

“Wow.”

Finn raised an eyebrow.

“What, got scared of Tilly? She’s a sweetheart!” He pat Sean’s back consolingly.

“You really do know everybody, don’t you?”

“Yep!”

And with that Sean got pulled even further into the club’s interior.

The main room was spacious - it managed to fit a scene, a bar, a wide dance floor, some cozy couches in most secluded corners, and a stairway to the second floor that had even more seats and a neat view on the scene. It was already full of people, mostly youths with crazy colored hair and outfits Sean wouldn’t even dare to think of wearing. Lots of them were holding hands, chatting with each other, even making out in more private corners. Sean caught himself staring at two women endlessly teasing each other. The couple laughed and kept sneaking kisses at each other. The way they were at ease with their affections made Sean smile.

The crowd was bustling near the scene, trying to get a good look at the performers. Finn, however, headed straight to the bar, and Sean, not knowing anything better to do, followed suit.

“Bassy my man!” Finn greeted a young man behind the bar. He raised his eyes from the glass he was polishing and cracked a huge smile.

“If it isn’t my favorite customer!” His voice was deep. “And you brought company!”

“Hi, err…” Sean said awkwardly, trying to make out a name on the bartender’s badge. “Sebastian, right?”

“The very one!” The bartender nodded with respect. “Get you two anything?”

“You know my poison, sweetie. Hit me up with your best.” Finn said with a smile. Sean could’ve sworn it made the bartender flustered but in a dimly lit room he couldn’t tell for certain.

“Will do! And you, sir…?” Now Sebastian was addressing him.

“Sean. A pleasure.”

“Likewise!” Sebastian’s lips quirked into a coy smirk. “What are you having?   
“What would you recommend?”

“Well, for a man as handsome as you I’d say we need something equally impressive… Hmm…”

As Sebastian was thinking, Sean realized that the place was not an ordinary club. People here had a strange air of permissiveness and acceptance around them. And there were an unusually high number of couples of same gender. And the bartender did just compliment his looks.

“I’d say, Brandy Alexander would suit you well.” Sebastian finally spoke.

“How strong is it?”

“Eh, it packs a punch. Nothing you can’t handle, I bet.”

“Okay, hit me with it.”

“One Brandy Alexander and one Godfather coming up!”

When Sebastian turned away to prepare the drinks, Sean addressed Finn who slouched himself against the bar counter like a lazy house cat.

“What is this place, Finn?” Sean asked.

“It’s a gay club, Sean.” Finn replied nonchalantly.

“Oh.” That was all Sean could say.

After giving it a small thought, he decided not to comment. There was clearly an implication behind it, but Sean didn’t want to pry. Not now, at least.

“There you go, my good sirs.” Sebastian placed two glasses before them: a short sturdy glass filled with pale yellow liquid for Finn and a taller, wider glass with delicate cream-colored liquid for Sean. “Enjoy and be sure to visit me for more!”

“Jeez Bassy, like we’re gonna leave you!” Finn saluted him with his glass. “To the best bartender on this whole fucking planet!”

“You give me way too much credit, Finn.” Sebastian smiled shyly. “I bet Sean deserves a toast more than I.”

Sean picked up his glass and sniffed it’s contents. It had a sweet, milky scent.

“You’re so right, Bassy!” Finn continued. “To you, my dear friend Sean motherfucking Diaz, to your health and eternal happiness!”

“And to you, my dear friend Finnegan motherfucking McNamara, to your kind heart and extreme generosity!” Sean decided to return the gesture.

“Amen!” Sebastian concluded as the two men hit their glasses together.

Sean took a swig of his drink. It was delicious, but immediately after a pleasant taste of cream followed the bitter tang of alcohol. He coughed and shook his head.

“Damn. You weren’t kidding when you said it packs a punch.”

“Lying isn’t my job, mister Diaz.” Holding a hand over heart, Sebastian confessed. 

Finn pat Sean’s back as the latter tried to resume breathing, and laughed.

“Easy there, big guy. Wouldn’t want to carry you to the car. Wouldn’t really mind it either.”

Sean shook his head again and noticed that he’s already feeling warmer. Finn, on the other hand, looked the same. Clearly his experience with cocktails has increased over the years. Feeling brave, Sean finished his drink and immediately regretted it.

“Breaking bad, huh?” Finn laughed even louder. “Want me to hold your hair later?”

“I… don’t have… long hair… you idiot.” Sean wheezed with great effort.

“Too bad really, Would be one hell of a bonding moment.” Finn winked at him.

Now Sean felt downright hot. He turned his head to see the band on the scene almost done with preparations. A tall person was arguing with another over something, while the crowd went quiet, seemingly enraptured by their idols. Sean pressed his forehead against his palm and found out that his hands are impossibly cold. And trembling.

“Hey gorgeous, care to pour some water for a lady?” A familiar voice addressing Sebastian dissipated some of Sean’s haze.

“Naturally.” The bartender’s response to the woman was noticeably more professional, but just as friendly.

Sean faced the newcomer and couldn’t believe what he saw. It was none other than Cassidy.

“Cass?” He asked, shocked.

“Mmm? Yeah, do we know each other?” She turned her head and eyed Sean with curiosity. 

“Hey Cass.” Finn greeted her and gestured towards Sean. “Having memory troubles?”

“Somewhat,” she laughed.

“Don’t recognize your city boy from Humboldt?”

“The… Oh my God!” She stared at Sean in bewilderment. “Could you be…”

“Yeah, it’s me.” Sean nodded and noticed how heavy his head feels.

“Sean Diaz!” Cassidy’s lips spread into the hugest grin. “You changed so much!” She immediately rushed to him, wrapping him into a tight hug.

“Yeah I get that a lot.” Sean grunted, clapping her back affectionately.

“Pardon me, lovebirds, but I gotta use the stall real quick.” Finn slacked down from the bar table and headed to the bathrooms with a surprisingly steady step.

Cassidy released her embrace, shrugged and smiled at Sean. Her eyes were full of delight.

“How’ve you been? Haven’t heard from you in ages after that shitstorm on the farm.”

“I went to jail,” Sean responded bluntly.

“For what?” Her eyebrows shoot up.

“For that Seattle mess. Locked me up for fifteen years. I just got out a couple months ago.” Interesting how laying it out didn’t make Sean feel any worse. He felt calm, thanks to the alcohol, and couldn’t really understand the reason why Cassidy looked so surprised. Maybe even sad.

“You poor thing, I am so sorry to hear that.” Cassidy was looking at him compassionately, hiding her lips under the tips of her hand. “Fifteen years… that’s an entire life.”

“Yeah.” Sean uttered. His tongue refused to move.

Cassidy reached to caress his arm in a consoling fashion.

“Are you… alright?” 

“Maybe?” Sean’s thoughts were foggy from alcohol. That cocktail clearly hit him worse than he expected. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

“That’s good. I can’t even imagine what it’s like…” She took a pause, taking a sip from the glass passed by Sebastian.

“What are you doing here anyway?”

“Oh, I’m a regular! I am in a band now, you know, and you just happened to resurface in time to see my show!”

“What? It’s your show?”

“Yeah! Finn asked me very nicely to perform tonight for old times’ sake. Who knew he’d bring a special guest.” She batted her eyelashes.

“Then I… look forward to it.” Sean uttered with great effort, noticing that his vision began to blur.

“Oh my,” she shook her head. “What did Seb give you? You’re barely standing!” She reached into her pocket, pulling a half-empty blister, and shoved it into Sean’s hand. “Will help you sharpen up. Take one.”

Before Sean could mutter out any sort of gratification, someone yelled from the scene:

“Cassidy! We start in five! Get your ass on the stage!”

“Oops, totally forgot!” Cassidy emptied her glass in one long swig. “Gotta run! Chat later! Add me on Facebook! Ciao!”

And after blowing a kiss at Sean, she was off.

So Sean was left alone with the bartender. Feeling drowsy, he put his head onto the surface of the counter and closed his eyes.

“Too much kick, I take it?” Sebastian inquired. Sean groaned, agreeing. “Sorry. I’m usually better than this. I uh… happened to listen to your conversation. Haven’t had a proper drink in fifteen years then?”

“Yeah.”

“Apologies.”

“It’s fine.”

Sebastian fell silent, and so did the crowd. A moment later the beginning of the show was announced, and the first accords of the song poured from the dynamics. Unable to concentrate on the music, Sean at least managed to sit straight - and found a glass of cool water beside him. A silent nudge in Sebastian’s hand motion suggested it was for him. Without a word, he shoved a pill into his mouth and swallowed it along with the liquid even faster than Cassidy moments ago. It helped.

A hand landed on his shoulder. Turning around, Sean noticed it was just Finn.

“Took you long enough.”

“It’s been minutes, sweetheart. Miss me already?”

“Nah. Listen, Cassidy gave me a pill to sober up a bit, but I’m still not feeling it. That drink was too much.” Sean was completely honest on that account.

“I figured.” Finn smiled without even a shadow of disapproval. “Come on, let’s freshen you up a bit.”

Finn led him to the bathroom and splashed his face with ice-cold water. Raising his head from the sink, Sean looked at himself in the mirror: slightly reddish face, dilated pupil. He was still tipsy, but at least the haze in his mind was gone. The pill and the water must’ve taken effect. Feeling better, Sean looked at his prosthetic and smiled. For once, he thought he looks cool. Fixing his a bit screwed up jacket, he addressed Finn.

“I’ll live.”

“Never doubted you.” Finn looked very proud. “Now let’s go! We definitely missed the first song but there will be plenty more. And you owe me a dance.”

“What-!” Sean gasped, being dragged out of the bathroom. “I don’t-!”

All his objections ended up being in vain as mere moments later they found themselves in the middle of the main room on the dance floor. Finn immediately caught the rhythm and began moving, while Sean stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do to himself.

“Come on! You gotta move it, darling!” Finn screamed so Sean would hear him.

The song was catchy and the rhythm wasn’t too hard to follow, yet something had Sean paralyzed. His gaze darted from side to side, looking at couples and groups of people moving in simple yet beautiful motions. Swallowing, he began to move his arm to copy someone else’s move when Finn grabbed him by that arm.

“Don’t be shy!” He yelled. “Follow my lead!”

And the next second Sean felt himself spinning. Finn’s hands held his own as tight as one would hold a treasure, pulling and pushing, leading Sean into a dance so wild he began laughing. The beautiful flow of Cassidy’s voice entrapped over him, along with the beat. His feet started moving on their own, forming a pattern of steps that matched Finn’s, then his hips started to move to the rhythm, then his entire body. The music got louder, ascending into a blasting crescendo, the crowd began to roar. Sean let go of Finn’s hands, took a step back, spun around and moved his arms in the air before Finn pulled him back. Rocking his head to the beat, he pushed and pulled harder, and as the song reached the end with a definitive upbeat note, took him by the waist, moved around and pressed his back against Sean’s chest, throwing an arm into the air like they just performed a tango.

The crowd launched a round of deafening applause, but Sean didn’t care. He was sweating and breathing heavily, but the closeness of Finn’s body made it all seem insignificant. The subtle scent of his perfume brought back the haze, albeit for different reasons.

Finn broke the contact, taking a step further and turning around to face Sean. His eyes were shining.

“That was sick! You rock, sweetheart.”

Sean nodded, for all the words have left him. He could only stare at Finn and smile.


	3. Part 3

The gust of fresh air greeted Sean’s heated face as he stepped out of the club. He didn’t realise how hard he was sweating. He leaned against the wall, ignoring a mildly amused look on the bouncer’s face, raised his  head towards the  the darkened sky and took a deep breath.

Sean felt great. His lungs were on fire, his head still a bit dazed from the alcohol , his entire body barely moving. Yet it was the best  he had felt in years . He felt alive.

Sean clapped his cheeks, trying to get a hold of himself, and shook his head. His heart was hammering - partially because of the exercise that was the dance, and partially because the phantom feeling of Finn’s body pressed against him in that final motion was still present. Sean smiled, but couldn’t help  feeling extremely stupid.  Like a teenager realising they have a crush on someone. Stupid, and… relieving. 

“Hey sweetheart,” Finn appeared beside him as if by magic, “feeling better?”

Sean didn’t answer immediately but looked at him instead. Finn had an aura of calm around him, soothing and reassuring. He did warn him that he wants to step out to get some air. He didn’t run away this time.

“Yeah,” he said, looking straight into Finn’s eyes. The look of them was warmer than ever. “I feel great.”

“Glad to hear it.” Finn’s lips quirked into a playful smile. “Shall we head back in? Wouldn’t mind another dance.” He winked.

“Oh gosh, no. I’m too old for this, I think.” Sean slumped his shoulders.

“Whatever you say, grandpa.”

“Whatever…” Sean rolled his eyes in fake irritation. “I think that’s enough excitement for me for tonight. Let’s just go.”

“Want me to fetch you a cane?” Finn said in a mocking tone. “Grandpa.”

“You’re way out of line, sonny! Just wait ‘til I call ye parents ya stinking weasel!” Sean said with a terrible fake accent, shaking a fist at Finn. After a bit, they both  burst out laughing.

“Good one!” Finn wiped a tear and wheezed. “Haven’t been called a stinking weasel since my mid-twenties.”

“Hey, you did say you’re a wild animal hiding in a pile of garbage in the middle of nowhere!”

“Only for the most part.”

They walked down the alley where Finn’s car was parked, stopping a few inches away from the doors.

“Hey,” Finn spoke, “you really got out of your shell today. Making me proud.”

“Thanks.” Sean smiled at him. “Think they liked me?”

“Who?”

“The… people. Well, Cassidy was glad to see me, I think.”

“Are you kidding? Sebastian was one step away from proposing to you on sight. And the crowd was clapping for us! You did great, sweetie!”

“I guess you’re right.”

Finn rubbed the back of his head, thinking. Sean threw him a puzzled look.

“Listen. There’s a pretty nice park nearby. Wanna take a moonlight stroll?” Finn said.

“It’s only seven, there’s no moon.”

“Aw shit, here you are, ruining my awesome date ideas! I’ll think of something. You in?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“You always have a choice, sweetheart.”

“Then my answer is yes.”

They exchanged fond looks as Sean stepped away from the car. Finn led him further down the alleyway; they walked for a few minutes in silence, listening to the ambience of cars passing by, wind rustling in the trees, unintelligible mixture of sounds too far away to determine their nature. Sean breathed the chilly air, enjoying the peaceful moment. Unconsciously, he began humming something under his breath - too quiet for anyone to hear. Finn walked close, but not that close so their arms would bump into each other. Sometimes he turned around to make sure Sean is still following, and inadvertently smiled every time. Sean smiled back, feeling warmth returning to his face, and fought an urge to take Finn’s hand. Finally, they reached their destination - a small park greeted them with the smell of autumn leaves and the sound of rushing water in the distance.

“You were right,” Sean said as they walked deeper into the park,”it is pretty nice.” 

“Wait til you see the fountain.”

A few more steps. and they emerged f rom under the canopy of golden trees into a small square,  illuminated by multiple lampposts. In the middle of it stood an impressive fountain - round, with a statue of a woman in the centre holding a cornucopia on her shoulder with a stream of water pouring out of it. Surrounded by multiple jets of water shooting out from under it, the statue looked truly otherworldly, and the light, refracted by the water and turned into a shimmering golden veil, added to the magical feeling.

“What do you think?” Finn asked, turning his head to see Sean’s.

“It’s…” Sean’s mind was racing, unable to find a word for this. “It’s ethereal.”

Finn smiled his fondest smile, eyeing Sean’s face quite mindfully. For the tiniest moment it seemed like  he was about to kiss him , and  that thought made his heart leap into his throat . Instead, Finn walked away, stationing himself on the lip of the fountain. one leg dangling freely  above the ground , one hand gliding along the surface of churning  water.

Shaking off the minute’s excitement, Sean sat o n a bench  under one of the lampposts. He  had an idea .

Pulling Finn’s gift from his bag, he opened a clean spread and looked at the fountain.  He studied the surroundings with great intensity, focusing on the tiniest of details. Next moment, his hand was sketching the scenery in motions learned too well over the years. Stroke, circle, outline of the statue, streams of water shooting upwards . And finally, the figure sitting alone on the lip, lost in thought.

It took him some time, but the drawing was done - as accurate as simple pencil can get. Finn didn’t move an inch while Sean was drawing. That made Sean wonder if everything was alright. It was the first time he saw him in  such sombre mood.

Holding the open sketchbook in his hands, Sean approached Finn, who turned his face to him. His expression was a bit lost.

“This place helps me think,” he explained. “I like to visit it from time to time and just... sit here.”

“Here.” Sean passed him the drawing. Finn took it, and as he examined it, his smile grew wider and wider.

“My, look at the light and shadow. Like it’s alive.” Finn returned the drawing, looking at Sean with great admiration. “Glad you are still doing what you love, sweetie.”

“I just thought you look nice,”  Sean said, shrugging and hoping that his dismissiveness would hide his embarrassment.

“Took you that long?” Finn chuckled.

Sean sat beside him on the cold marble. Finn straightened his pose and moved a bit closer. 

“Finn, may I ask you a question?

“ You may, and  if it’s about the cookies, then yes, I ate them. Not sorry.”

Sean giggled.

“No, not the cookies. It’s about… um…” He paused.

“What’s on your mind, sweetheart?” Finn asked with a soft voice.

Sean wanted to  ask him directly about why he’s so lost all of a sudden, but didn’t want to pry. Instead, he decided to start from afar.

“Do you think of yourself as a happy man?  Do you have any regrets? ” He asked.

Finn stared at him blankly for a second. Clearly he didn’t expect that kind of question.

“Well, err… I’d say, yes? For the most part. I have a stable source of income, a house, a car, friends… sure, there are some things I could’ve done better, but who doesn’t have regrets these days?”

“What would you change if you could?”

“Let me think…” Finn rubbed his chin, thinking. “I’d, uh…” He let out a tired sigh. “I would not have become a dad, Sean. I love my child, I do. But I don’t do enough for her, and I’m afraid she’ll grow up resenting me while all I wanted was to be honest with her and her mother.”

“How old is she?”

“She’s five. My baby is five.”

“You did say you visit her as often as you can. Take her out for weekends.”

“Not as often as I should. Not every weekend. They are all the way in LA, and I’m often too busy to haul there every week, and...” Finn sounded like these words don’t come out easily. “I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. I feel like I am failing her…” He glanced at Sean, clearly looking at his glass eye. “Just as I failed you.”

“What are you talking about?” Sean asked, surprised. “You didn’t fail me. It was just… really bad luck.”

“Sean, don’t get me wrong, but your life has been nothing but absolute hell. And I added to it.” Finn’s eyebrows arched upwards, his expression now filled with years-old regret.

“Finn…” Sean sighed. “I am sorry for starting this conversation. But, listen… it’s all in the past.”

“I need to make it up to you. I need to.” Finn’s voice was determinant. “I need to make it up to Flora. To Yvette. I’ve wronged many people over the course of my life, Sean.”

“You’re doing it now!” Sean exclaimed. “You’re making it up to me! I feel accepted and cared about because of you. I think you paid any dues you might’ve had in my regard. As for your child… just call her, and tell her you love her.” Sean concluded, looking Finn straight in the eye.

Finn was looking back at him with gratitude, and adoration, and affection. Then, he lurched forwards and wrapped Sean into a tight hug. Sean gasped, surprised by the sudden embrace, and put his arms around Finn’s chest in return.

“Sean. You are a fucking treasure. An absolute miracle.”

“Yeah, more like a paragon of what could go wrong in a man’s life plus ten.”

Finn didn’t respond, but instead rubbed his cheek against Sean’s shoulder, sighing contently. Sean could feel himself blushing.

They sat like this for a moment in absolute serenity, comforted by each other’s warmth, when the moment was brutally ruined by a loud growl of someone’s stomach. After a beat, Sean proclaimed:

“I’m hungry.”

******

They returned home a few hours later with a bag of fast food they picked up on the way back. Finn habitually went straight to the kitchen, throwing the bag onto the dining counter and preparing stuff for tea. Sean took off the borrowed clothes and pulled on his own shirt - the cleanest one of those that escaped the fate of being thrown into the washing machine. Then he slumped onto the couch, practically melting into the soft cushion as his back muscles relaxed one by one. Soon he was joined by Finn who carried two mugs of scented tea.

“So,” he said, dropping himself next to Sean and passing him a mug, “what’cha wanna do?”

“Huh?” Sean raised his head - unwillingly. “What do you mean?”

“I was about to suggest another movie. Think I have a good one on my flash drive.”

Finn stood up, putting the cup away, and went to dig through his  pockets . Judging by his disappointed look when he turned around, he was unsuccessful.

“Dammit. Must’ve left it somewhere. Hey, you able to stand?”

Sean responded with  a groan that meant something between “no” and “please go to hell”.

“Well, if you can scrape yourself off the couch any time soon, look for it around the house. It’s small, plain black with a golden charm. I’ll go look in the car.” Finn said, putting on his bomber.

“ What would a flash drive do in the car ? And isn’t everything stored in cloud services these days?” Sean asked teasingly.

“Go to hell man, I’m as old as you.” Finn laughed. “I don’t do advanced tek-no-lo-jee.”

Amused, Sean giggled. Finn slid behind the door like a spy, closing it without a sound. 

Taking a sip from his cup, Sean found himself between desire to help Finn out and an overwhelming feeling of laziness. Closing his eyes and promising that he’s going to sit like this for just one more minute, he enjoyed the newfound peace of mind. After another sip, Sean decided to stand up after all. Placing his cup next to Finn’s, he walked into his room.

The room was not too different from what one could have expected from a teenager: posters on the walls, pile of unsorted clothes on the chair, a long-empty pizza box on the floor, a worktable with a laptop buried beneath a pile of garbage, an unmade bed and a stack of books on the bedside table. The sight brought back memories of Sean’s own room, back in Seattle. He sighed, trying to fight the feeling of painful nostalgia, and reached for the worktable.

A closed laptop was surrounded by empty beer and soda cans, random notes and various common medicine. No flash drive was found plugged to the laptop or among the mess. Sean tried to open a built-in drawer, but it was locked or stuck and didn’t budge. With a sigh, he abandoned the table and moved closer to the bed. Sitting down onto the exposed and messed-up sheet, he opened a small drawer in the bedside table and began to dig.

Pens, a notebook, more medicine - nothing noteworthy. Sean sighed, digging  deeper . Finally he seemed to find something interesting: his fingers pulled out a stack of watercolor paintings.

The top one was a mess - a barely recognizable human silhouette made out of malformed spots of paint. The paper was signed with an unsure hand: Flora McNamara, 4. Sean smiled. Clearly the drawing belonged to Finn’s daughter. He looked at a second painting. That one was old, but well-done: a beautiful landscape of a green forest with a lake. The signature was small and careful: Daniel Diaz, 15. Sean raised his eyebrows in surprise. The fact that Finn kept Daniel’s ten years old painting was touching, to say the least. The third sheet wasn’t a painting but a varnished pencil sketch of a human face. Finn’s face, to be exact. That one was masterful, carefully depicting all of Finn’s face small details and features. The signature was on the other side, along with a note:  _ “Happy 29th Birthday, Finn! Best wishes to you and your family! You three are always welcome in our home _ _.  _ _ Daniel & Chris.”  _

Sean smiled. Daniel and Chris clearly treated him as family by this point: the drawing was just a couple years old.

The last sheet wasn’t a picture at all, but a letter - written by Finn’s hand, no less. For a moment Sean hesitated whether he should read it at all, but the curiosity got the better of him. Some of the parts were crossed out, yet the still-readable parts made Sean’s heart drop.

_ “Dear Sean, _

_ I miss you every day. You can’t even imagine. Since the day I received the news about your sentence, I couldn’t find peace. I felt gutted. Dead. Worse. I dreamt of you for years. I am sorry for everything for if it wasn’t for me, they might’ve never caught you. _

_ I’m a mess. I am writing these words… I left my wife. Never told you about her because… I can’t stop. I miss you so much. Feels like I am writing these letters into the void ‘cause they never let you respond. I know it’s not true, Daniel tells me everything, I know you haven’t forgotten me, but… _

_ I want you back. I just want you back. So much.” _

The final part of the letter was completely unreadable.

Sean blinked, struggling to process the words. It was unlike anything Finn had ever wrote him: most of his letters were in way more casual tone and not nearly as descriptive. He must have been completely desperate writing this letter. 

He missed him. He wanted him back. Sean swallowed as the understanding dawned at him. Judging by the state of the paper, that letter was not more than a year old.

“Hey Sean, I found it!” Finn’s voice sounded like thunder. “Where are you?”

Sean jumped, as if snapped from a hypnosis, and quickly shoved the papers inside the drawer. Then he stood up and assumed the most innocent expression ever - just in time, for the door to the room swung open the next second.

“There you are!” Finn’s voice was happy. He showed the flash drive. “Come on!”

Sean didn’t move,  uncertain of what to do.

“Err… hello? Earth to Sean!”

“Uh, um, yeah, let’s go,” Sean finally said, his voice trembling treacherously.

“What’s up dude? You didn’t happen to find my insane porn stash, did you?”

“No.”

“Phew! Well then… quit standing about!”

Shooting one final glance at the bedside table, Sean followed Finn after all.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to focus on the movie: thoughts about the letter plagued him, and there were a couple moments where he almost asked Finn about it. It took great effort to stay silent. Instead, Sean asked a different question:

“What was your ex-wife doing in Bend? I thought you said she was in Los Angeles?”

“I have no idea, man. Didn’t really catch up, as you noticed. Figured she might’ve been visiting someone.”

“Huh.”

Sean fell silent, studying Finn’s face. He was calm and focused on the movie, a relaxed smile on his lips. What a sharp contrast compared to a desperate, lost man Sean saw behind the criss-crossed lines. It was almost jarring.

“Could he be happier because of me?” Sean asked himself in his mind. “Is it possible I mean that much to him?”

Finn turned his gaze on him and smiled. Sean couldn’t help but smile back. Warmth spilled in his chest like an overflowing river, and he felt a great urge to hug Finn. Hug, and never let him go.

“Could he be in love with me?”

That was the question Sean was afraid to ask the most.

******

_ “Why do you keep trying?” _

_ The breathy voice enveloped Sean’s sense of perception. It was everywhere - a sour taste on the tip of his tongue, a ringing in his ears, an impenetrable, smothering yet moving darkness in his eye. A light sense of touch somewhere on his body. The voice sounded like an echo, a choir of a thousand familiar voices, whispering, slithering into his mind like a venomous snake. _

_ “Why don’t you just go?” _

_ Warm hands on his cheeks, rancid breath washing over him, making him sob and gag. Then, more hands - on his shoulders, on his hips, hands, ankles. Everywhere. _

_ “Can’t you see you aren’t welcome?” _

_ Sean swallowed as the mysterious entity opened its bright eyes and stared into his very soul. The darkness began moving, molding itself into a face. Face that reminded him of so many different people at once yet it didn’t truly belong to any of them. _

_ “You lost, Sean,” the entity whispered almost mournfully. “It’s time to go.” _

_ “I didn’t lose!” He tried to cry out but the words got stuck in his throat, allowing only a pathetic wheeze to leave his mouth. _

_ “You lost. You lost.” The entity chanted. _

_ “I survived! I returned!” _

_ “Nobody wants you here.” _

_ The hands holding him dug their nails into his skin - hard enough to draw blood, then began to pull. Down, into the bubbling pool of tar-black water. _

_ “They don’t want you here.” The entity released Sean’s face. “You don’t belong.” _

_ “You’re lying!” _

_ “Go. Leave. Disappear.” _

_ The hands yanked him down, and the next second ice-cold water filled Sean’s being, smothering him, drowning him, tearing him apart. He tried to scream, but couldn’t make a sound. _

_ A moment passed, there was nothing left but a bitter sense of his own tears burning his head from the inside. _

Sean suddenly opened his eyes. He was sweating and couldn’t quite understand where he was. He sat up, holding his heavy head, and took a breath. It was one hell of a weird dream.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” Finn’s warm, a bit sleepy voice greeted him from the doorway leading to the kitchen. “Bad dreams again?”

Sean raised his head to get a look at him. He was leaning against the doorframe, cup of what Sean presumed was tea in hand, his hair a bit messed up and his expression relaxed. Strangely, he was fully dressed.

“Yeah,” Sean replied, rubbing his nose bridge. “Why are you up?”

“Oh, I couldn’t really sleep either.” Finn scratched his neck in a rather awkward fashion. “So I was just scrolling through the net when I found that announcement that there’s a starfall event happening in the area. This area. Tonight. In about an hour. So I was about to head out to see it, since I doubt I’m sleeping tonight.”

“What time is it?”

“Err… around midnight, I think?”

Sean grunted, getting disentangled from the messed up bedding, and reached for his pants resting a formless mountain on the floor. A minute after, he was fully dressed.

“I’m coming with you.”

“Aw sweetie, you wanna stargaze with me? I’m touched.” Finn hid his mischievous smile behind the cup, but his eyes were sparkling.

“More like I want to make sure you won’t pass out in a bush and get eaten by a bear or whatever.” Sean smirked.

“Well in that case,” Finn put the mug aside, “worry not, for if I do pass out, it won’t be a bush. We’re driving.”

“Oh? I thought you said it was in the area?”

“It is. There’s a really nice spot about a click away - wide empty field, good view, no fucking teenagers on the run from authority who might ambush us. Although it would be ironic.” He laughed.

“Are you bummed you won’t be ambushed by teenagers?” Sean snickered.

“Let’s just say I prefer bears.” Finn glanced at Sean. “Wolves are cool too.”

Sean rolled his eye, smiling.

“Go on, smooth talk, the car won’t start itself.”

They stopped in the middle of a field, surrounded by walls of trees and a narrow country road behind them that lead them here. Finn was clearly tired, and that worried Sean, but they reached their destination without accidents.

Finn crawled out of the car and dived into the baggage carrier, searching for something. Sean followed suit, stepping out into the night, stretching his limbs and breathing in the chilly air. It made him feel better, taking away  the lingering remains of anxiety the nightmare left him with, and soothing him into calm state of mind. Now he was even somewhat excited to see the stars.

Sean raised his head and gasped in awe: the ink-black velvet of the sky was strewn with sparks, and the middle of the sky was cut in two by a gentle stroke of glittering paint: the Milky Way. It was breathtaking.

“Man…” Sean was truly impressed. “That’s just… wow.”

“I know, right?” Finn appeared beside him, holding a blanket in one hand. “From August to early October you can see this beauty almost every night from this spot. And today it gets even better.”

He threw the blanket over the front half of the car, covering the hood and the front window, and gestured at it invitingly. Sean followed his motions with his gaze, smiling for the reason unknown even to him. He followed Finn after he climbed onto the blanket, hugging his knees and getting comfortable.

“So I take it you come here often?”

“Sometimes. Not like, all the time. It’s just very pretty.”

“It is.”

A moment of comfortable silence  hung between them. Finn crawled closer to Sean, resting his head on his shoulder. Sean didn’t mind.

“Sean…” Finn sighed contently.

“That’s my name.” Sean smiled as his heart began to race.

“I am so glad to have you back.”

Sean didn’t reply, recalling the last legible lines from the letter he found. He took a deep breath and decided to ask.

“Finn, listen. When I was looking for your flash drive, I found one of your letters. One you didn’t send.” Sean tried to keep his voice from shaking. His heart was  ramming the inner side of his chest like a mad bull, his head began to spin. “And I read it.”

“Ah.” Finn said, lifting his head to look Sean in the eyes.

“I was curious about…” Sean swallowed hard as the words began to fail him. “About what you meant. By that. Or if it means anything at all.”

Finn smiled, but that smile wasn’t warm, or cheerful, or teasing. It was sad.

“Sean…” He sighed. “The letter…”

He raised his head towards the sky.

“I was a fucking mess when I wrote it. Pretty drunk, too. I just wanted you to know what a torture it was, all those years without you. I married Yvette because I thought that she would… take my mind off… you.” Finn sighed again, and the sigh was so close to a sob, it made Sean want to hug him. “And the real reason why I left my family was because I realised it didn’t work.”

“You…” Sean said, unsure of what to think. His head was buzzing with all kinds of thoughts, most of them questions, wrapping tighter into a ball of anxiety with every passing moment. “You couldn’t stop thinking about me?”

Finn nodded.

“Remember what I said the last time we saw each other in person, fifteen years ago? In the hospital?”

“You said a lot of things.” Sean said. His heart skipped a bit because he was lying. He did remember.

“I said that I love you, and I meant it.” Finn’s voice grew husky, as if he was struggling to speak. “Guess that didn’t really change.”

Sean fell silent. All the words have left him. His heart now raced so hard the sound of it deafened everything else. All he could see was Finn’s face. 

“You love me,” he finally whispered.

“I do.” Finn concurred solemnly.

“I…” Sean closed his eyes, fighting off the upcoming tears.  He was absolutely overwhelmed . “I am not sure what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I wouldn’t want to… push you into anything you don’t want.” As sad as Finn’s voice was, he sounded absolutely sincere.

“Thank you. Just… just thank you.”

Sean leaned against the covered window, half-laying now, and turned his eye to the sky. Finn did the same after a bit.

The first falling star traced the spark-littered darkness.

“Hey, look!” Finn pointed at the fading white trace. “It’s starting!”

Soon the first star was followed by a second, then third.

“So, do you wanna make a wish?” He asked Sean.

Sean sighed in contemplation, uncertain at first of what to ask. His feelings, disturbed by the revelation, were swirling inside him like a hurricane. It was all too much. Yet he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want Finn at all. He looked at the sky, breathing deeply, calming down. Then it came to him.

“I want…” He glanced at Finn: the sadness was gone, he was smiling. Sean smiled back, the ball of anxiety within him dissolving into a warm feeling of affection. Then he continued: “I want a future. I want a life. I want to learn again how to live, how to love myself and others. I want to stop being so afraid. And most of all…” He reached and took Finn’s hand, making him raise his eyebrows in surprise. “And most of all, I want to be happy.”

“Good wish.” Finn’s smile widened, his cheeks a light shade of red. “Then I’ll make a wish too. I want…”

The falling stars were filling up the sky quickly.

“I want to be a part of your future.”

Sean could swear his heart exploded in this very moment, melting into a flood of  impossible tenderness filling his every cell. The stars were sparkling in Finn’s eyes and Sean thought it the most beautiful thing ever.

“May I kiss you, Sean?” Finn asked with a voice  full of reverence .

“Yeah.” Sean exhaled, barely able to think at all.

Finn leaned forward, his warm soft lips touching Sean’s, and in this moment Sean  swore he could fly. He leaned into the kiss, placing hands on Finn’s shoulders, stroking them carefully. Finn’s fingers found a way around Sean’s neck, resting on the nape, his other hand caressing his face. One of them - or both of them - sighed into the kiss with pleasure, and there was nothing but tenderness in that long-awaited touch. The kiss was very soft, very warm, very innocent - the feeling of safety it gave Sean made him want to sing.

When they finally let go of each other, Sean couldn’t bring himself to break the embrace, instead resting his head on Finn’s chest. Finn stroked his hair, caressed his neck, and whispered:

“I love you so much.”

Sean let out a throaty sound, like a cat purring, and tightened his embrace. Finn giggled.

“Look at the stars, clingy boy.”

Sean reluctantly raised his head, unwilling to part ways with Finn’s warmth, and gasped again. The sky was almost white from all the falling stars crossing the expanse.

“Finn, I don’t think I’ll ever forget this.”

“Neither will I.”

They spent the rest of the night resting in each other’s embrace, keeping each other warm and safe and cherished, under the starlit sky in the middle of nowhere until the dawn was upon them. With the first rays of sunshine peeking from above the tree wall to the east, Sean informed Finn, who managed to doze off, that it was time to go home.

******

In the late evening a few days later, Sean was sitting behind a dining counter, leafing through his new sketchbook. Most of the pages were still blank, but since the day Finn gave it to him, a lot more notes and sketches of all sizes and level of detail had found their place among the first twenty pages or so. Sean opened the drawing he made  during their walk in the park , ran his fingers along the lines, and smiled. Every time he looked at Finn now, thought of him, heard his voice, his heart began to sing. He felt young and in love again, and the warmth Finn gave him now was a constant lingering feeling.

Finn. The name itself made his lips bend into a smile.

Sean pulled out a phone, flipping through messages from Daniel and Lyla, whom he already told about what happened that night under the starfall. Both were over the moon, Lyla even called him and screamed for ten minutes about how happy she is for him, how proud that he has found joy in life after all, how wonderful it is, before breaking into tears. Later, Daniel called too and pretty much did the same thing.

The phone dinged.

_ “Hey Sean.” _

It was a message from Chris.

_ “Daniel told me about you and Finn and I just wanted to congratulate you. I am so happy for you and him! You two deserve to be happy, you more than anyone. I’m glad you found the strength to keep going despite everything. You’re the most awesome man I’ve ever met (after Daniel, because he’s my husband) and we’re very proud of you.” _

Sean smiled, humbled, and typed the answer:

_ “Daniel doesn’t know how to hold secrets, does he?” _

Another ding.

_ “Are you joking? We’re family!” _

_ “You two are indeed a family. Not saying he should keep secrets from you.” _

_ “Sean, we are all family. You are a part of it. Don’t you forget it!” _

_ “Thanks, Chris. I appreciate the kind words.” _

_ “You two are still invited to visit us on Halloween, by the way.” _

Sean sighed and put the phone away. Something deep inside kept eating away at him, but that something was so small now, so insignificant, that he could simply forget about it.  He felt hopeful .

Finn was even more cheerful than ever. He was even more relaxed than usual,  radiating pure joy everywhere he went . The sun itself felt warmer when he was around.

Earlier that day he called his wife, and after a pretty long chat about things, he asked to pass the phone to his daughter. Judging by the huge smile he cracked after saying “Hi, sweetie!”, the girl was overjoyed to hear his voice. Sean didn’t hear the entirety of the conversation, but the sheer love in Finn’s voice was enough to know that Sean’s idea was the right one.  After that, Finn announced proudly that he’s going to visit Flora soon. “One thing less to regret about,” as he put it. Sean couldn’t be more proud. Sean also told him that he plans to continue his journey to the Canyon - to help him find himself. Finn approved without hesitation, even though a shadow of sadness fell upon his face, if only for a moment.

Behind the window the sun had long since rolled behind the horizon, and now the rain was dripping playfully, playing a soothing tune on the metal roof. Sean closed his eyes, enjoying the calm. Soon, he’d be gone, off to his original destination, but he knew for certain that he’ll be back. This small house has now held a place in his heart - quite literally.

Finn sat  across from him in total silence. Sean knew it was him - the subtle hint of perfume reached his senses as well as the soft steps. Without opening his eyes, he reached out a hand, and Finn took it into his own, stroking it gently with a thumb, then pressed a chaste kiss onto the knuckles. Sean’s heart leapt, just like it did every time Finn was near. He opened his eyes and smiled.

“You are so beautiful like this, sweetheart.” Finn said, his eyes glistening slightly.

“So are you.” Sean whispered, pulled Finn’s hand closer and brushed a kiss against his tattooed fingers.

“Oh, Sean.” Finn sighed, voice low and breath shallow. “I just love watching you so  tranquil .”

“I am like this because of you.”

“No… you're like this because of yourself.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re strong, Sean. You’re a fucking fighter.” 

Finn’s eyes stared intensely into Sean’s, but it wasn’t an intimidating intense. It was a look of pride, and assurance, and love. Finn believed in him.

“You…” Sean started, but stopped mid-way, realising that dissuading Finn would be pointless. Instead, his face softened as he said: “Thank you. I think that, in time, I’ll believe it myself.”

Finn nodded.

“You were talking about going to the Canyon anyway earlier, weren’t you?” He asked, and his grip of Sean’s hand tightened a bit.

“Yeah. I’m thinking in a day or two, I’ll be off. It’s been almost two weeks, and Daniel and Chris will flip if I won’t show up for their Halloween party or whatever they are holding.”

“As much as I would like you to stay forever,” Finn chuckled, “you’re right. You have to if you want to. It’s your life.”

“I’ll be back.” Sean pressed a firmer kiss onto Finn’s hand and gave him a serene, loving look. “If you want.”

“Sean, you’re amazing.” Finn whispered, and the immeasurable adoration of his tone melted Sean’s heart. “Of course I want you to come back. I waited fifteen fucking years just to see you again.”

“Truly, they should write a cheesy romance novel about you, man.”

Finn laughed.

“Jeez, you’re such a mood-killer.”

They both fell silent, with only the echo of Finn’s laughter still ringing subtly in Sean’s ears. Finn was looking softly into Sean’s eyes, a smile playing on his lips, fingers stroking his hand. Sean never had felt so connected to someone, it was like they were the same being, right in that very moment. Right there, if only for a brief moment, Sean felt completely free from his burdens. He felt like right then, only he and Finn and this room were real, with the rest of the world gone, like a morning dream.

Finn beckoned him to lean in, and Sean obeyed. Then, Finn’s lips were hovering over his ear, hot breath against sensitive skin.

“I love you.” Finn whispered, and the next moment his lips were on Sean’s neck, leaving blazing kisses and robbing Sean of any ability to think. 

Sean felt like he was melting as Finn continued covering his neck with kisses - heavy and wet, and all of them mind-blowing. Finn grunted into the kiss, biting slightly and then immediately licking it up, as if apologizing. Then, the kisses went higher, behind the ear, feather-light touch of the lips caressing Sean’s helix, making him tremble and sigh with pleasure. “I love you so much.” Another whisper, even hotter, and Finn pulled even closer, pressing a languid kiss under Sean’s jaw. 

“Finn…” Sean’s voice was trembling. “Oh, yes.”

“Love you.” Finn’s hands were now holding Sean’s face - gently, as if he was made of crystal. “Love you so much, sweetie.” The next kiss landed right onto the frantically beating vein on Sean’s neck and stayed there for a beat. This time, Sean couldn’t help but quietly moan.

“Finn, please, you’re going to kill me.” He uttered quietly, his fingers gripping Finn’s shoulders tightly.

Finn pulled back slightly, looking at Sean’s flushed face and gleaming eye with a dilated pupil.

“Should I stop?” He asked.

“Just kiss me.” Sean pleaded breathlessly.

Without hesitation, Finn pulled him into a hungry kiss, wrapping his arms around his neck and almost climbing onto the counter just to get closer. Sean couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, for all of his world right now was concentrated on those hot lips  he was kissing so desperately. Then, as they both pulled apart for air, he said:

“I love you too, Finn.”

Finn sighed, looking him straight in the eye. His look was full of pure devotion.

“I know,” he said quietly.

******

Smoking at gas stations was still a bad idea, yet neither Finn nor Sean gave a single shit. It was a different gas station, near the highway leading out of Bend, and the only “no smoking” sign was in the gas tanks area. The two men stationed themselves far enough from them, and, leaning against Sean’s car, stocked full with stuff he might need in the Canyon, enjoyed each other’s company with a cigarette shared between them.

“I was actually trying to kick the habit, you know.” Sean confessed.

“Half a cig won’t do you harm, sweetheart.” Finn smiled at him. “Besides, it’s an excellent bonding activity.”

“I think we bonded pretty well for the past two weeks.” Sean chuckled.

“That is so true, my man. So true.”

Finn sucked in the smoke and passed the cigarette to Sean. Exhaling, he cocked his head to the side, thinking.

“You should call me once you reach your destination.”

“Think they have reception in the Canyon?”

“Dude, they have reception everywhere now! Welcome to the future, bitch!”

Sean laughed merrily.  Finn beamed at him.

“So,” Sean asked, “what are you doing after I’m on my way?”

“Hitting the road as well. Next stop - Los Angeles. I owe a visit to a certain young lady.”

“I wish you luck.”

Sean extinguished the cigarette and tossed it into the urn. Then, he reached to open the car’s door.

“Well, I guess this is it,” he said.

“Hey, Sean?” Finn’s voice was serious.

“Yeah?”

“You sure you’ll be okay? On your own, I mean.”

“Finn…” Sean sighed. “I won’t lie to you, I have a long road ahead of me, but you… These two weeks  have helped me immensely. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Finn smiled and placed a hand onto Sean’s shoulder, causing him to let go of the door. “You know, a man once said: “What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.” Bullshit, of course, but sometimes…” Eyebrows raised, he looked hopeful. “Sometimes, a nice reminder, that no matter how much you have suffered, there’s always a future to look up to. Remember that.”

Sean smiled gratefully and felt a well of tears behind the eyes. Gently cupping Finn’s face, he closed the distance between their faces, making their foreheads and noses touch.

“Thank you. So much,” he whispered with a shaky voice.

“I’m always here for you, Sean. Always.”

And with that, Finn lurched forwards, wrapping Sean into the tightest hug and kissing him as passionately as he possibly could, and that kiss was a promise of everything bitter to be gone for good. Sean kissed him back with the same passion, putting everything he wanted to say into that kiss: his fears, his hopes, his desires, his love for Finn. And it felt like Finn understood. “You are not alone,” was that subtle nonverbal message Sean felt with his very heart.

Finally breaking the contact, Finn looked at Sean, smile wider than ever with white teeth gleaming, and slowly, reluctantly let go of him. He took a step back, then another, without breaking visual contact with Sean, then he saluted him with two fingers.

“Much love and respect, as always. Take care,” he said before turning away.

“You too.” Sean’s voice was quiet.

Sitting in his car, Finn couldn’t stop smiling. His gaze followed Sean’s figure entering the car, then how the car pulled onto the highway and quickly disappeared into the distance. He sighed, pressing his forehead against the wheel. His cheeks ached from the wide smile, his eyes were full of tears, and his heart was fluttering.

“What a day,” he exhaled contently.

Then he turned the key in the ignition, and the car answered him with a  satisfying rumble. There was a road ahead for him as well.

******

The sun was high above the Grand Canyon.

Sean didn’t realise how much he missed the scorching heat of southern states until the temperature crawled all the way up to eighty degrees and didn’t even consider to stop there. He was sitting close to the edge of a large rock, sweating, holding a bottle of cool water and feeling absolutely happy.

His phone dinged. He pulled it out, flipping through the screens. It was an email.

“ _ Mr. Diaz, _

_ Our representatives have _ _ reviewed your application for publishing your work. We are happy to inform you that Yeti Comics will gladly publish and spread “Superwolf” for a wider audience. Furthermore, a team of comic artists has expressed an interest in working with you. You can contact them by calling a number this letter has attached. We would ask you to visit our office in Portland, OG for discussing your contract. Call us as soon as you are able. _

_ Sincerely, Irina Silverstein. _

_ Yeti Comics. _ ”

Sean couldn’t help but crack a huge smile. His work was accepted! Without  even stopping to think , he typed a message to Lyla:

_ “SUPERWOLF IS GETTING PUBLISHED!” _

The same message flew to Daniel and Cassidy, with whom Sean had been in contact for a few days now. For Finn, however, he wanted to do something special. Extending an arm, he smiled on camera, snapping a rather good selfie. Even the drop of sweat above his eyebrow didn’t ruin his snazzy look. After a second, the picture was sent to Finn with the following:

_ “Just received info that my comic is going to get printed. Feeling great. Wish you were here.” _

After a moment, Finn sent him his own selfie - smiling mischievously, thumb pressed to the lower lip, with a small girl clinging to his shoulder and  grinning like a Hollywood superstar.

_ “As you can see, we are very happy about it, some more than others.” _

_ “Is that Flora you’re snuggling with?” _

_ “Jealous, sweetie? We’re just chilling.” _

Sean snickered.

_ “I wouldn’t dare to take you away from such a lovely lady, Finn.” _

_ “She wants to meet you in person, actually. Thinks you look cute. Congrats, you’ve got yourself a stan.” _

_ “Then tell her I said hi.” _

With that, he put his phone away, raising his head and shielding the eye from the sun. The Canyon was peaceful and quiet, with the river rumbling quietly below. Sean pulled out the sketchbook, stared into the scenery, capturing every detail, then began to draw. 

It was a good day.

**The end**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is officially my longest fic ever written that has reached completion. Now I'll probably go back to writing surreal oneshots or hybernate til the end of winter. Thanks Ciara and Izzy, my dear betas whom I had pestered endlessly, and thank you, my reader, for, well, reading. Much love.


End file.
